Another project from Dylan's writing class. This one was on Powerful Fiction Techniques. Below is his writing with the teacher's comments in between. Proud of his hard work, it is showing and he has made great improvements is such a short amount of time!
Author: Sarah Faber
Class: Powerful Fiction Techniques
Project: Week One: Narrative Point of View (Taste)
Post: Assignment 2: Rewrite from a Different Point of View
Quote: originally posted by Dylan Edwards
Hi Dylan!
I shall now write this in the first person of Garrik.
Fabulous—let's check it out!
A very enticing plater of slitghtly melted goat cheeze atop a loaf of pristine white bread with some assorted fruits on the side, perfect for an elf. The large loaf of bread is dwarfed by the size of the gigantic slab of slightly charred cow meat. An Orcs best snack. It has tiny onions and little brown mushrooms on the top that look as if a human top hat sat on a giant.
What a treat it is to revisit this incredible meal again!! 🤩
Peeking ahead, I see you get into the first person in the next section. It might help ground the scene in Garrik's perspective if you use the first person right from the start. This way, we can get to see this whole meal through his eyes, and get a sense of what makes him tick.
Here's an example:
I gaze down at the enticing plater of slitghtly melted goat cheeze atop a loaf of pristine white bread. My mouth waters as i take in the assorted fruits on the side, perfect for an elf.
This is just one possibility! You might have totally different idea of how to approach it.
As the platter is set down on the table, Therions mouth waters almost to the point of drooling as he reaches for his lovely loaf and his gracious grapes. I am litteraly drooling as I grab the at the meat, plucking one of the little mushrooms into my large hands and after tossing it into the air I catch it in my mouth.
Ah! A fabulous example of seeing things from Garriks' unique point-of-view.
My eyes glaze over as I try to savor the sweet blast of roasted earthy delight. It is over in a few seconds however, and I see Therion grab a grape and bite it delicately in half. His long pointed ears shoot up in delight and he swallows the half grape, the other half grape and then a full grape and then another grape and then another grape until the whole batch is gone. Therion leans back in his chair until he spots the snow like loaf of bread. Grabbing the loaf and stabbing into it with his knife, he proceeds to spread all of the butter in the loaf.
I wonder if Garrik resents Therion hogging the butter like this?
I am an Orc, so I naturally dont show any mercy to my food. I pick up the whole slab of meat and ravinously tear at its side, using my two long tusk like teeth as sabers to rip the stubborn meat off the bone.
This revision helps me see this moment more clearly. Brava!
As the meat slides down my throat I quickly grab one of the remaining mushrooms, I know that trying to fit this enourmus parcel down my gullet is a bad idea, but I cant help it. luckily for me, the food stuck in my neck allows me to savour the taste of slightly singed beef with a faint hint of earthy mushroom as well as a slight spice of onion.
This line cracked me up and disturbed me! I can't fathom be so relaxed about choking!!
I dont care that the whole tavern is looking at me and yelling for help, I feel gentall sturdy arms wrap around my mid-section and squeeze. All that I care about is that delightful taste of perfectly roasted beef. Then the moment of tranquility is over. I cant tell since my eyes are closed but I think that my peice of beef came flying out of my mouth and straight into Therions face. I look up angerly at the person who was giving me the heimlick, "Why did you do that, you ruined perfect meat!"
Apparently Therion takes it all in stride!
The person giving me the heimlick, a human says "You were choking! You should be thankful, fool!" Garrik looks angry as he resumes eating. "Please give my complements to the creator of this masterpeice. And please ask before ruinning my meals." The human just nods and scurries off into the kitchen. I ask Therion if he is done and then we head out of the Tavern, reminiscing of the delicious feast.
Your choice of first person gives this piece a new, dynamic energy: we see even more how enthusiastically (and gluttonously!!) Garrik attacks his meal. I feel like I'd need to wear a visor if I were ever to sit down to a meal with these two.
Thanks for sharing, Dylan!
Sarah
Dylan(14)
